The Tedium of Job Interviews

I want one thing and one thing only in my life: to sit alone in my cottage drinking pots of coffee while occasionally painting animals that are wearing rain jackets. Unfortunately for me, society will not allow me to do this until I have earned enough money to be able to pay for that lifestyle. It really is the biggest failing of capitalism when you think about it. As such, I have to occasionally apply for jobs and then go to interviews where I must lay prostrate in front of a panel of interviewees and flagellate myself while pretending to care about what they’re saying.

My issue here is two-fold. The first is rather more simple to explain: I simply cannot feign interest for the duration of the interview. It seems that every interview I have ever been to lasts for at least one hour. Why this is the case I do not know, but what I do know is, it’s always a tedious affair that ends up with me fidgeting around and trying to resist the urge to pull silly faces or tell them to shut the fuck up. When that happens, I cannot stop myself from going on weird diatribes to make the thing more exciting for myself. I once went for an interview regarding a customer service position. That boring interview soon went from me discussing my experience of working with Excel to my ability to transcribe 13th century Latin. To me, it felt that the Latin was the more interesting thing to discuss so I went down that route. I did not get the job.

The second is more depressing — so depressing in fact that, when I adapt it into a movie script, I will win all the awards, even the ones relating to stunts. 

I just don’t do well in interviews. Whether through panicking, overthinking, or just losing interest, I descend in to that incoherent babble. It’s a need to fill the silence that immediately follows the interviewee asking the question and them staring at me waiting for a response. Those seconds slow down in my mind so it feels to me like if I don’t speak as soon as they stop, too much time has elapsed and I will look like a simpleton. Of course, simply saying what comes to my mind immediately and then trying to edit it and re-craft it doesn’t work as well with the spoken word as it does with the written. I could rewrite that sentence as many times as I wished, if I really wanted to. I can’t take back all those words. Even saying, ‘Let me start again’ doesn’t work because they’ve already written down their thoughts on the words. There’s no off-the-record.

So I’ll just keep painting my pictures of animals in their rain jackets and writing about the world’s greatest author and see if that gets me any closer to my dream cottage and my dream coffee.

Based on my follower count, I will say no.

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