Zombeavers: A Film Review

The Imitation Game is the worst film ever made. The second worst is Zombeavers. Today I will focus on the latter.

I first saw Zombeavers two weeks ago, when I was in my ever-too-often state of being unable to sleep, yet too sleep deprived to do anything of worth. It was on Horror, aptly named for its tendencies to show horror films, or at least films with a horror slant. When it comes to Zombeavers, the true horror is that first someone wrote it; and then, someone had the insane idea to finance the thing. Bill Burr is briefly in it so I like to think he financed it for a joke which, like all of his other jokes, fell flat because he’s as humorous as a turd in the bath.

The premise is stupid: a barrel full of toxic materials comes loose from a truck, falls into a river, and turns beavers into zombies. Why toxic material would turn beavers into a horde of undead is not truly explained. Perhaps the toxic materials were full of human flesh. As Bill Burr was driving the truck, perhaps that was a sneaky way of creating a Breaking Bad crossover and the barrel was the grim remains of Krazy-8.

Whatever the reason, the for-some-reason-zombified beavers then attack a group of teens. Again, how a beaver, of either the living or undead kind, is able to get the jump on a group of teenagers isn’t really explained. This is made all the worse by the set up. Earlier on in the film, the group of teens go swimming and come across a beaver dam, manned (beavered?) by the aforementioned and titular zombeavers. And yet, they are not attacked by the beavers. They are instead attacked by a bear, an un-undead bear, might I add.

It is only later on, when one of the teens is taking a shower that a beaver promptly appears out of nowhere and attacks the stupid person who is dumb enough to notice a bloody beaver in the shower.

Being stupid teens in a stupid film in which everybody needs to be stupid and do stupid things to progress the stupid thing passing for a plot, they ignore the wounds. They do this despite lampshading by saying they should get medical attention because that beaver could have rabies “or worse” but then shake it off because they have to get back to being stupid teens making stupid decisions in a stupid attempt to progress the stupid plot.

A few more teens get bitten by the zombeavers which mutates them not only into zombies, but also into beavers. I really want to know what the toxic waste was and how it had properties that not only turned animals undead, but also had the ability to metamorphose one species into another. Now that’s a backstory that deserves expanding.

In the end, a zombie bites a bee and that becomes a zombie bee — a ZomBee. Ha, ha, geddit? I got it, movie. I got it. 

Still, if it is a choice between zombie beavers attacking teenagers and watching Benedict Cumberbatch rewrite history and look smug while doing it, sign me up for the beavers. God I fucking hate Benedict Cumberbatch.


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